Mika's Car: Rest in Pieces
by ElephantLover66
Summary: May Mika's car find peace in the afterlife. Amen. Rated T for language, death of minor character (Mika's white Camry hybrid), and mentioning of intimate actions. One-shot.


Mikaela Shindo knew his boyfriend, Yuichiro Amane, didn't know how to drive. He just didn't know it would be _this_ bad. Yuu's friends had warned him about the many incidents Yuu had caused, like crashing into some streetlight and nearly running over Yuu's friend, Kimizuki. When Mika had asked Yuu about it, he simply shrugged, saying it was the streetlight's fault for getting in his way.

 _As if._

So now, they were in Mika's white Camry Hybrid, with Mika fearing for his life as Yuu sat down confidently in the driver's seat.

"Don't worry, Mika! Once we're done with this lesson, your car won't even have a scratch!" He gave Mika a thumbs up as Mika feigned a smile, not believing a single word he had said.

"Um, yeah, Yuu-chan. You're going to be great at this!"

"Thanks, Mika! That's what I keep telling Kimizuki and the others, but they always insist that I would cause a major car crash within the first 30 seconds of sitting in the driver's seat.

Mika took their comment to heart and mentally counted down from 30. He tapped his fingers in his lap anxiously, wondering whether the lesson would turn into a visit to the car repair shop, hospital, or worse.

"Um, so..." Yuu said as he scratched his forehead. "How do you start the car?"

He looked so clueless that Mika unconsciously relaxed and chuckled at his boyfriend's expression. He took the keys from Yuu's hand and inserted it into the slot behind the wheel.

"I knew that, Mika! I was just testing you!" He protested.

 _As if._

"Of course you did, Yuu-chan." Mika replied sweetly, unconvinced. "Now, you put the car in reverse."

Yuu frowned, immersed in Mika's instructions. "Uh… yeah. Mika, pop quiz time! How do you put the car in reverse?"

The blonde shivered in fright, stunned at how ignorant Yuu truly was. He sighed. "So, you see this gear lever over here?" He pointed at the smooth, grey lever in between their seats.

Yuu nodded eagerly. "So far, so good, Mika!"

"And you see this R here, right?"

"Mm. Now what?"

"You pull the lever down to the R."

"What's next?"

"Nothing. That is how you put the car in reverse."

"Congratulations!" Yuu laughed nervously. "You answered my last trick question correctly." Yuu clapped rapidly, praying that Mika didn't notice his lack of knowledge. Then, he casually carried out Mika's directions.

Which meant that Mika definitely noticed and was crying inside. Scratch that, he was sobbing. Sobbing as though his entire family was just murdered by some sassy, pedophile vampire. Now that Mika thought of it, a scenario similar to that sounded oddly familiar... Mika was even getting a sense of deja vu.

"So Mika, what's next? I'm sure you won't be able to pass this test! None of my former students have, not even one!" Yuu added solemnly.

 _Are you sure you're not talking about yourself, Yuu-chan?_ Mika thought to himself. Nonetheless, he replied in a cheery tone, " _Well_ , Yuu-chan, now you're supposed to press on the gas pedal lightly with your foot. Also, be careful to look back or into the side-view mirrors so you don't crash into people or other cars. Don't crash into street lights, either."

"Wow, Mika, I'm impressed. You know quite a lot about this topic." Yuu commented thoughtfully. He even stroked his imaginary beard for a more dramatic effect.

"Yes, Yuu-chan. I went to driving school 4 years ago and have driven you everywhere since, so of course I know how to drive." Mika replied sarcasm lightly lacing his voice.

"Really?! I thought you took the bus!"

"Then who has been driving you to school everyday, Yuu-chan? And work? And to hang out with your friends?"

"Um... a sassy, gay vampire?" He squeaked.

Yuu mentally facepalmed himself a million times as Mika rolled his eyes mentally for 500 million times.

"Yes, Yuu-chan, you have a sassy, gay vampire as a chauffeur. Since when?"

"Since I was e-eight?"

"What's your sassy, gay vampire chauffeur's name?"

"F-ferid? Ferid... uh, Bathory?" Yuu replied as he looked out the window with a frantic expression on his face, at the neighbor's cat, Faerie, playing in the birdbath.

Mika suspiciously glanced out the window to see what Yuu was looking at and instantly made the connection.

"Wow, Yuu-chan. Could you introduce me to this... Ferid Bathory?"

"Well, he's in Russia right now, so sorry. He's been in Europe for about a month now, actually. In fact, he moved there because he got married. I guess you'll never meet him then! Sorry, Mika!" Yuu chuckled nervously.

"Oh, Russia, eh? Maybe I'll meet him after all!" Mika laughed sarcastically.

"What do you mean?" Yuu replied, coughing violently.

"How could you forget, Yuu-chan? I'm Russian! Therefore, I've always wanted to visit there."

"Oh yeah, huh? That's great. I bet you and Ferid would get along really well!" Yuu shouted a bit too noisily. He bit his lip in frustration. _Shit! WHY DID I SAY RUSSIA?! WHY DIDN'T I JUST SAY FUCKING EUROPE?! Wait, is Russia part of Europe? I DON'T FUCKING KNOW ANYMORE._

He cursed to himself, eyebrows gritting together tightly.

Russia, is in fact, not part of Europe, but Yuu being the adorable idiot he was, did not know this. Mika heard Yuu muttering all this and covered his mouth to prevent a guffaw from slipping.

"Now that I think about it, Yuu-chan, if he's been in Russia for a month, then who drove you around this past month? I swear I drove you home from that bar near your college. You went there just last week for Mitsuba's birthday, right?"

"Really? I don't remember anything like that." Yuu actually recalled this vividly because once they got home, Mika had kissed for a surprisingly long period of time after ranting to him about how annoying it was to drive Yuu home every time he got high as hell. Yuu hoped that Mika would not bring that up and use it against him.

Mika was somehow extremely entertained by Yuu's cringe-worthy responses and decided to continue teasing his boyfriend.

"Oh, remember that time when you and your friends got drunk and accidentally stole some lady's purse and had to go to jail? You frantically called me, asking me to bail you guys out! I was a city or two away, so I couldn't walk there and took my car."

"Really?" Yuu questioned in a high-pitched voice.

"Ah, I can't forget the time I was at my sister's house and I was awoken at midnight by a phone call! It was you screaming about a fire. When you finally calmed down, you explained that you were trying to make omelets because you were starving, but you burned them and caused a fire in our house. None of your friends answered your calls, so you were forced to call me. I had to rush over there since you didn't understand the instructions I was giving you." Mika said nostalgically.

"Mika, stop making stuff up. I'm sure that somehow, my chauffeur would've been involved if anything like that ever happened. But I haven't experienced anything like that and neither have you, so I guess we'll never know!"

"Well, we should continue with the lesson then. Do you remember the directions I gave you earlier?" Mika sighed.

"Well, I already knew before you told me. Are you sure you're not asking me that to try to get me to tell you because you don't know yourself?" Yuu gasped in fake shock.

 _Trust me, I know how to do this. You're the one asking to make me tell you what the directions were because you forgot_ , Mika thought to himself.

"You're testing me again?"

"That's right!"

"Okay, so now that you've set the car to reverse, you put your foot _lightly_ -the key word here is lightly-on the gas pedal and-"

"MIKA!" Yuu screamed as the car drove straight into a fire hydrant.

"YUU-CHAN, WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT?!" Mika shouted furiously.

"I PRESSED ON THE GAS PEDAL JUST LIKE YOU TOLD ME!"

"DID YOU ALSO PRESS IT _LIGHTLY_ LIKE I TOLD YOU TOO?!"

"YOU NEVER SAID THAT! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!" Yuu pouted adorably, and Mika groaned in utter frustration. He knew he had to ignore Yuu's expression and examine the damage Yuu had caused.

"We're getting out of the car." Mika grumbled.

"What? Why?"

"BECAUSE WE NEED TO CHECK THE CAR'S CONDITION! _NO SHIT_!"

"Oh. Right."

Yuu immediately stepped out of the car, desperately playing innocent, as Mika slammed his door shut, causing the entire vehicle to shake violently. Yuu shivered as well, agitated about what Mika would do to him. Every single step Mika took practically caused an earthquake in every part of the world.

"Yuu-chan…" Mika hissed.

"Yes, Mika?"

"What was it that you said earlier? That my car wouldn't even have a scratch?"

"What? I don't remember saying anything like that."

"Well, listen to this, Yuu-chan."

Mika turned on a switch on his car. There was the sound of static, then, Yuu's faint voice could be heard.

' _Don't worry, Mika! Once we're done with this lesson, your car won't even have a scratch!_ '

Yuu backed away slowly. "Psh! No way I said that. Someone must have been impersonating me!"

"I'm pretty sure that was legit. After all, Krul installed this for my car just in case any one tried to mess with me. And you know Krul." Mika attempted to hide his smirk, but failed miserably. "Now, look at my car's current condition. Would you be so kind as to count how many scratches there are on this car?"

"Um, _I forgot how to count_. So sorry. I can't do that for you."

"Then, how about I count for you?" Mika spat.

Yuu slowly nodded in response.

"Well, that's 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6…."

Mika went on counting for 15 more minutes until he reached a sum of 366 scratches and dents.

"That's 366, Yuu-chan. I don't think that 366 is _anywhere_ near zero." Mika informed sweetly.

"You sure? Because I can't count and all, so I don't know whether zero is anywhere near 366." Yuu replied with his last ounce of boldness. He scratched his forehead casually, staring at his shoes. He didn't need to even meet with Mika's sapphire eyes to know just how pissed he was.

"Would you like me to tutor you then?" Mika asked with a devilish smile.

"Of course not!" Yuu shuddered.

"Counting is a very valuable skill that you can use for the entirety of your life, Yuu-chan."

"Really? Because I've lived for 22 years and have never counted even once!"

"Then how did you find out how old you were?"

"Um, someone told me?" Yuu stated, rolling his eyes dramatically. "Duh."

 _So, he has the nerve to roll his eyes at me. Oh, you have no idea how dire this situation is for you, do you? Because this might just end with blood and a visit to the ER in a hospital._

"You needed someone to tell you your age? How tragic." Mika replied with fake sympathy.

"Oh, it's not so bad, really. I really don't need to know how to count."

Suddenly, Mika thought of a genius idea to force Yuu to surrender once and for all.

"Hey, Yuu-chan! Look at that huge plane up there!" Mika pointed randomly at a huge, fluffy cloud.

"What plane? I don't see a plane."

"First, you can't count, and now you're blind? Yuu-chan, you really need to get medical attention. Maybe go to a mental institute."

"What?! I don't want to go to a mental institute!" Yuu whined. "I can count! I can really count!"

"Then prove it." Mika scoffed. He held up four fingers. "How many fingers am I holding up?"

"Four!" Yuu exclaimed triumphantly.

"Okay. So you can count. Then why couldn't you count the number of scratches and dents on my car earlier ?" Mika growled threateningly.

"Because...because...I forgot how to count at that moment?"

"Yuu-chan, stop making excuses. You lied to me. You said you wouldn't leave a scratch on my car and you broke that promise. Your friends were right. You don't know _shit_ on how to drive a car."

Mika stepped in front of Yuu, his eyes practically glowing with fury.

"I-I'll pay for the repairs! Promise!" Yuu pleaded.

"You already made me a promise and you broke it. How am I supposed to trust you now?"

"I didn't mean to damage your car!" Yuu protested desperately. "This was only my 2nd time driving, Mika! I have almost no experience!"  
"Maybe you should've gone to driving school 6 years ago instead of waiting until now."

"Yes, I should've and I regret it! But I kept failing the writing test! And the exams were keeping me busy too! I gave up too soon, and I'm sorry about that!" Yuu clapped his hands together, eyes shut tight, praying that Mika would accept his legit excuse that was actually the truth.

Yuu's prayers were definitely heard because suddenly, Mika's meming side was activated, gradually chuckling louder.

"Uh, Mika? You okay there?" Yuu asked nervously, hoping he wouldn't be punished.

"Yes, Yuu-chan. I'm more than ok." Mika said with that calm tone that he hadn't used all day.

"Um, then why were you, uh, laughing like that?"

"Yuu-chan, you might have given up on driving, but I'm never gonna give Yuu up! Never gonna let Yuu down! Never gonna run around and desert Yuu! Never gonna make Yuu cry! Never gonna say good-bye! Never gonna tell a lie and hurt Yuu!" Mika was practically dancing as he giggled at Yuu's blank expression that screamed, _I'm done. I'm so fucking done. I don't know you. I don't know you. I do not know you. We are never talking ever again_.

Yuu stomped away, fuming, muttering, "God, why is Mika such a memer? Like, seriously. He practically goes bipolar when he starts meming."

"Wait, Yuu-chan! Where are you going?" Mika yells, wondering what he did wrong.

"I'm going home."

"But how?"

"Bus."

"Do you even have money to pay for that?" Mika asks matter-of-factly.

"Y-yes." Yuu realizes as he casually stuffs his hands in his pocket, searching for a few nonexistent dollar bills. He sighed, thinking, _I'll just save myself from Mika and got to Yoichi's house. I'm pretty sure he lives nearby._

"Even if you do have money, you still have to get my car to the repair shop and pay for it." Mika frowns, recalling his car's current condition.

"Oh yeah. I'll do that after I get my wallet at home. I have enough money on me right now for a bus ride home." Yuu mentally pats himself on the back for his smooth response.

"Sure. I'll meet you at the car repair shop then." Mika hollers while Yuu sprints away, tempted to do a victory dance. He takes out his cellphone and calls Yoichi.

"Hey, Yoichi!"

"Um, who is this?"

"It's me, Yuichiro." Yuu rolls his eyes since he expected Yoichi to be able to identify him already.

"Oh, hello Yuu! Is there something you need?"

"Yeah, do you live near…" Yuu looks around for a street sign. "...Cypress Avenue?"

"No, sorry." Yoichi says quietly. "But my house is on that street."

"Fuck, you scared me for a second!"

"Hehe!"

"Don't 'hehe' me, you bastard!"

"Hey, is that baka Yuu?" Yuu heard someone groan from his phone.

"Oh, hi Kimizuki! Yeah, it's Yuu." Yoichi replies to the grumpy voice.

"Don't call Yoichi a bastard!" Kimizuki screeches loudly from the other end of the line, nearly turning Yuu deaf.

"You don't have to say that so loud, asshole!"

"Guys, please stop arguing!" Yoichi begs.

"Hmph!" Kimizuki huffed, but nonetheless stopped.

"So, Yuu, what were you saying?"

"I was gonna ask if I could stay at your house for a while since I'm near your place before I was so _rudely interrupted_."

"Of course you can. But why?"

"Uh, I forgot my keys at my house and Mika is out right now." Yuu lied.

"Why are you near my house anyway?"

"I got lost after shopping."

"I see. Well, I'll come outside and find you."

"Thank you!" Yuu sighed in relief, thinking that he would surely be safe from Mika's wrath with Yoichi. He would have to deal with Kimizuki, but surely that would be a small price to pay.

"No problem! See you soon!" Yoichi exclaimed.

Yuu hung up and then sat on a nearby bench, sighing and pondering on how his miserable life had come to this.

It took a few minutes before Yuu detected Yoichi jogging towards him with Kimizuki at his side. Yuu stood up and approached them.

"Hey."

Yoichi waved. "Follow me!"

Yuu obediently tailed the pair until they reach a beige-colored, 2-story, single house with a small yard and porch with a swing.

"Make yourself at home!"

"I sure will!"

Yoichi strolled into the kitchen, humming. Kimizuki glared at him, watching his every move, ready to report anything involving Yuu and destruction of property.

"Chill, Kimizuki." Yuu commented mockingly. "Oh wait, you have none. Oops, my bad, sorry!"

"I am _this_ close to kicking your fucking ass." Kimizuki threatened.

"You can try and fail." Yuu countered.

"Watch me!" He retorted.

"No, you'll take too long!"

At that moment, Yoichi peeked through the doorway.

"I'm ordering pizza, okay?"

"Sure." Yuu responded.

"What type?"

"I'm fine with just pepperoni, sausages, pineapples, mushrooms, cheese, bell peppers, onions, tomatoes, ham, chicken, and bacon for toppings.

Yoichi gawked at him, wide-eyed. "How about you tell that to the guy on the phone, okay?" He squeaked.

"Oh, sure." Yuu replied, clueless as to why Yoichi was so flustered. He repeated the same toppings into the phone, leaving the poor soul on the other end speechless.

"Y-yeah, sure. We'll get that for you. Is that all?"

"I don't think so. Yoichi, Kimizuki, what do you guys want?"

"I'll have pepperoni, cheese, and olives." Kimizuki answered.

"Sausages, pepperoni, and cheese is good enough for me."

"You got that, pizza guy?" Yuu inquired the male on the other side.

"I heard the order. We'll deliver the pizzas as soon as possible." And with that, the pizza guy hung up.

Yuu collapsed onto the bright, crimson couch, sinking it to it, resulting in a serene expression forming on his face. _Ah, life isn't so bad right now after all. I'm sheltered from Mika's rage, I'm getting pizza, and damn, this couch sure is great._ The doorbell chime noisily, followed by a cautious knock on the wooden door. _And the pizza guy is already here! Man, that delivery sure was fast._

Yoichi reacted first and answered the door. But the person on the other side wasn't the pizza delivery guy. No, it was Mika, and he wasn't even _trying_ to hide his bloodlust.

"Yuu-chan…" He panted. "You… are so...dead."

Yuu scrambled to hide behind Kimizuki who angrily pushed him away.

"Damn you!" Yuu mumbled as Mika swiftly approached his target.

"Is this our house, Yuu-chan? Is your wallet here?" Mika inquired, voice deadly calm.

"N-no." Yuu responded, regretting being alive.

"Then why are you here?"

"I-"

"Don't bother lying. Just tell me the truth."

"... I was scared. So I ran here for refuge."

"There. Now was that so difficult?"

Yuu shook his head, unable to speak.

"We're going to go home now, get your wallet, and go to the repair shop. I already had someone transport my car there."

Yuu nodded and was then dragged away by Mika, leaving Kimizuki and Yoichi silently staring at them as they left, and then at each other as they remembered Yuu's pizza, that would now be left untouched.

And that was how Yuichiro Amane died young.

No, just kidding. They just went to get his wallet and Yuu paid for the repairs. However, even after visiting multiple locations, nobody could fix the car. The only option left was for Yuu to buy Mika new car as a replacement. Mika accepted his apology since Yuu was just too adorable when he got on his knees and begged for forgiveness. Then, they went back to Yoichi's place and they all ate pizza together peacefully. The only not so peaceful event that occurred was when Yuu and Kimizuki were almost sent to the hospital over an argument about olives. Don't ask. Just don't.

So Yuu _finally_ fucking went to fucking driving school and got 5 tickets from the police within an hour. He was kicked out of driving school and asked to never come within a 50-mile radius of it, so Mika reluctantly continued to be Yuu's personal chauffeur. Sometimes, Mika would consider taking another attempt at teaching Yuu, but he decided that he shouldn't start the apocalypse sooner than necessary. Mika shuddered, recalling the painful experience that had changed his life forever. He should've just listened to Yuu's friends.

His boyfriend would never learn how to drive, and there was no changing that.


End file.
